You may as well have spit in my face.

For lack of a bunch of better words, I'm pissed right now. My personal life is entirely blase, no matter how spontaneous I try to be. I took my new coat for a walk last night and I got a compliment from a passer-by, just walking down the sidewalk like me. She said 'that is a Gorgeous Coat!' and proceeded to ask where I got it and how much it was. I told her, and said "too much." It left me empty-hearted. I wanted to just give it to her. All that seems to matter in this world is the money we do or don't have. Screw it. I save up for something, just like anyone else, and once I buy it, I feel guilty about it. Our world has become so entirely materialized that it seems no one knows what they want.

And then I reminded myself that every job I've ever worked in my feeble 20 years has been retail.

I realized (for the millionth time - it never gets old) that I am happiest curled up on the couch, alone, with a good book. I am happiest when my laptop is SHUT THE HELL OFFFFF and I have a cup of coffee with cream on a coaster on the coffee table next to me. I am happiest when no one is around to bother me with negativity or clear lack of insight, or to tell me that I'm never insightful, or to tell me how much their life sucks, without ever coming to the conclusion that we are in entire control of what happens to us, for the most part. Believe that or not, but don't cop out.

Directed specifically to someone(probably, sadly, not the reader):::

I said that I 'try' to be spontaneous. What is bothering me acutely at this moment is that my spontaneity is taken for judgement and closed-mindedness. Maybe sometimes. But open your heart a little, will you? And find something not to be ashamed about for once.

Retail Ramblings

If you've never worked retail, you might think it's one of those 'ho-hum, let's see how much people will spend today and watch the clock for our break' kind of jobs. In many cases, that's true. But not at Express, after a year and a half of loyalty and blood. Bruises from ladders, bruises from customers' words, and bruises from the economy are just the beginning. I'll get to that in a minute.

I realized today that I need to make more eye contact with people. Especially when they don't want to look back. If you tell someone something and you're not looking at them, it will seem like you're shifty, or not interested. It's different in the outside world, when you can sit next to someone and stare at your surroundings together. But in a close environment with a stranger, eye contact is one of the most important things to use to get a message across.

I work retail not because I want to sucker someone into buying a bunch of stuff they don't need. I'll tell you if I don't like how something looks and why. An empire waist isn't for everyone, and neither are skinny jeans. I'm not saying that weight matters. People have differing tastes, sure, but those tastes don't always make a person look or feel good. I can do that. Fashion terminology is helpful, but it doesn't say anything about why it looks good on a person unless a retail associate can explain it. And that takes practice. It takes time, energy, and determination. How?
Time: 2 hours a week trying on new items.
30 minutes per week researching words like 'empire waist' and different ways to say 'you have big boobs.'
Energy: Physically trying on all of the new merchandise in my store, and comparing it to those of others.
Determination: Figuring out what looks good and being able to explain it to your everyday 'help me pick something, I'm lost' customer. And more importantly, since retail associates don't make much money, the determination not to buy something when it looks 'okay.' This part was hard. When I started working retail, I'd spend every check almost entirely on merchandise in my workplace. When I started, I thought, sure, if the customer likes it, let them like it. They'll feel good about their choice. That's why you let them ask your opinion. Sometimes it doesn't matter, and that's fine. In the long haul, however, if a customer asks my opinion and I tell him/her I 'think we can find something that will work better,' and find it, they will come back. Those people are few and far between, and it may take a while, but they'll remember the experience. Back to determination: after figuring out that yes, your landlord WILL kick you out when you can't pay rent, and that school loans will add up, and that gas doesn't last as long as we'd like, and cigarettes and food run out too, I finally became determined enough to 'get picky.'

I think that's what helps the most. Being picky, or, a better word that now has a bad connotation, being descriminant, helps. If I'm not picky when I help a customer find an outfit, they'll be able to tell. If I say "Yeah, those look fine!" and I don't mean it, he or she will hear it from friends later. And friends are more important than some store employee. If it looks bad, they'll blame the store, and they'll blame 'that liar of a girl back at the fitting rooms.' If it looks good, someone might tell his/her mom or best friend about it. But those people, the few and far between, will return for another honest opinion.
I like customers, most of the time. I don't like everyone, but I can find a common ground in most cases. That will get me through a transaction if my open-enough-mind can't cut it.

But with this eye contact thing, I realized that nothing I've said here is effective if I don't show it. My boss won't take me seriously if I can address her without giving her the respect of looking at her when I'm speaking (she hasn't voiced that, it's kind of a no-brainer.) Nor will the customers. Maybe I've become used to looking at the outfit instead of the person, because that's what I'm comfortable with. Maybe I'm not interested in what I'm doing - and I wouldn't have worked retail for as long as I have if I weren't interested in it. There are plenty of people who do that already. ....Eye contact shows confidence and honesty.

I'm going to work on an eye contact theme for a while.

The idea jumping around in my head is a change in confidence, a change in poise. If I can't look someone in the eye when I'm saying something, it's probably not valid.

'Til later.

The Roommate

Soul mates seem to be the people we wish we could have kept close by our sides, but some big wrench got thrown in the way along the line and now that relationship, with the soul mate, is tainted. Forever? I've heard too many people say 'if only i hadn't done this...' the relationship would have survived. That's not the conduct of a soul mate. It's a cheap excuse for an easy way out.

Go get that person. Don't settle for the person you're with or the situation you're in because it's not fair to either one of you. And I think you'll both feel better about it. If you really are soul mates, no wrench can get in the way. The people you're spending time with now might be upset at you, and you might question yourself. But if you're wasting more time regretting not being a 'go-getter' for that special person, just do it. I've been dealing with this issue for a year and a half and I'm tired of seeing dim lights in the place of appreciation.

Time Flies

It's hard to believe that this semester is almost over. Instead of celebrating Coe's Flunk Day on Monday, I stayed home to clean my house. It looks great. I'm wrapping up assignments as well as starting new ones, and it seems that I'm getting stuck with tunnel vision more and more. Anybody else feeling overwhelmed?

Hurt

Last night someone close to me said something very simple, but something that cut very deep. This person is important to me and I hold him/her in the highest regard a friend could have. I trust this person with my problems, my concerns, and my joys, but now it is difficult to want to share anything with this person. While I was glad that this person was straightforward with me, which is something we've been working on, it wasn't something that needed to be said. It was rude and inconsiderate and made me extremely angry. Wrathful. I don't like feeling that way. It's so hard to forgive sometimes and I'm not sure how to ask God to help me in this. Instead of a friend, I feel like a burden now. I've never felt like this in the year and a half that we have spent time together. I have known this person since I was seven years old and ... well, I guess I can't really "know" someone. I can't say I'm surprised that this happened. I have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and now I feel like abandoning the situation. I'm supposed to love my neighbors, but it's especially difficult when that love is not reciprocated. It makes me want to change the company I keep and disappear, though they(you) are all wonderful people. It makes me want to find a new home. It makes me want to leave. It makes me feel like a shadow instead of a sunburst, which was what this person was to me. I want this person to know that it will take a long time for me to open up again. I also want this person to know that I am strong and I will do what is necessary to live life as God calls me to. I will still be able to reach out and to smile, but I feel that it is time to direct my positive energy as much inwardly as I do to others. I want to say that I'm extremely thankful for everyone I've met recently, especially at Coe. It seems like I meet someone new and exciting every day who shares the same kinds of passions and goals that I have. Sorry I've been ignoring you, guys. It's clear that I need to direct my attention somewhere other than where it's been.

Sorry for the "diary entry," but they say to write what you know.

Thankful

I felt like writing this to remind myself of how positive I feel right now when I have a bad day. I got to go to Wednesday Dinner at Tif and Steven's last night - www.haveninthehood.blogspot.com - because my night class was cancelled. This semester will be over soon, and I look forward to having Wednesday nights back with these wonderful people. The presence of God in this family's house is amazing and I could not be more blessed to know these guys. Choosing to send positive vibes from this neighborhood is a hard thing to do, and I can't think of a family with a more open or loving outlook. I also want to say that with 4 kids and one on the way, Tif and Steven know how to share with the community in a priceless way. Also, Citadel is a really great game! It brought out some of the nerd in me. :)

Alright, Fellow English Heads!

I'm compiling an anthology of works by Dorothy Wordsworth.
Any input on something that's stuck with you of hers that I should look into?
The anthology will have a table of contents, a list and explanation of works I am including, and also principles of selection taken from and/or opposing existing anthologies. Of course, the bibliography for this piece will be longer than the actual project. (It's an MLA paper, just to give you the context.)