For lack of a bunch of better words, I'm pissed right now. My personal life is entirely blase, no matter how spontaneous I try to be. I took my new coat for a walk last night and I got a compliment from a passer-by, just walking down the sidewalk like me. She said 'that is a Gorgeous Coat!' and proceeded to ask where I got it and how much it was. I told her, and said "too much." It left me empty-hearted. I wanted to just give it to her. All that seems to matter in this world is the money we do or don't have. Screw it. I save up for something, just like anyone else, and once I buy it, I feel guilty about it. Our world has become so entirely materialized that it seems no one knows what they want.
And then I reminded myself that every job I've ever worked in my feeble 20 years has been retail.
I realized (for the millionth time - it never gets old) that I am happiest curled up on the couch, alone, with a good book. I am happiest when my laptop is SHUT THE HELL OFFFFF and I have a cup of coffee with cream on a coaster on the coffee table next to me. I am happiest when no one is around to bother me with negativity or clear lack of insight, or to tell me that I'm never insightful, or to tell me how much their life sucks, without ever coming to the conclusion that we are in entire control of what happens to us, for the most part. Believe that or not, but don't cop out.
Directed specifically to someone(probably, sadly, not the reader):::
I said that I 'try' to be spontaneous. What is bothering me acutely at this moment is that my spontaneity is taken for judgement and closed-mindedness. Maybe sometimes. But open your heart a little, will you? And find something not to be ashamed about for once.
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